If you’ve ever wanted to dip your toe into the world of rougher sex and BDSM but feel like it could be a potentially awkward convo, don’t worry. Having a sit-down talk with your partner beforehand is not only essential, it also actually makes it much easier in the moment when you are experimenting with said rougher sex, because you know you have limits and boundaries in place that you’ll both respect. That peace of mind can make it way easier to enjoy yourself in the moment, giving more of your attention to your pleasure and satisfaction.
Asking for rougher sex really does just boil down to having an actual Grown Ups Using Potentially Formal-Sounding Words discussion with your partner. It’s not as simple as just saying, “Be rougher!” because that could mean 40 different things and odds are, you’ll only want it to mean a very specific 10 things. Here’s how to do that.
1. Discuss limits beforehand.
What’s on the table and what’s off the table for you? Don’t be afraid to ask specifically for what you would like to try, and see what your partner thinks. “If you are planning to try something new, such as spanking, impact play, biting, or scratching, make sure to discuss your intentions first with your partner,” says Candice Smith, cofounder of The KinkKit and resident sex expert for My First Blush. You’ll also want to set up a safe word ahead of time, so you both have an out if things go too far. Using stoplight codes can also be handy during rougher sex, says Smith. Saying “green” means you’re good, “yellow” is a warning to slow down, and “red” means stop.
2. Start off with some impact calibration.
Have your partner begin with some pressure and rate the feeling on a scale of 1 to 5 so you can let them know how much harder or softer to get, says Smith. After all, “harder” or “softer” can have a bajillion levels in between (not to mention different meanings for each person), so this is a good way of quantifying exactly where the sweet spot you’re looking for is. And don’t forget to do the same for them if you’re dominating them at some point!
3. Gear up on the extra lube
.
Just because it’s “rougher” sex doesn’t mean it has to be physically rougher like you’re grinding on sandpaper. Rough sex is always made better with extra lube, adds Smith. If you don’t know where to start on the lube front: This is a good beginner’s primer on exactly what kind of lube you can and can’t use with condoms and toys.
Asking for rougher sex really does just boil down to having an actual Grown Ups Using Potentially Formal-Sounding Words discussion with your partner. It’s not as simple as just saying, “Be rougher!” because that could mean 40 different things and odds are, you’ll only want it to mean a very specific 10 things. Here’s how to do that.
1. Discuss limits beforehand.
What’s on the table and what’s off the table for you? Don’t be afraid to ask specifically for what you would like to try, and see what your partner thinks. “If you are planning to try something new, such as spanking, impact play, biting, or scratching, make sure to discuss your intentions first with your partner,” says Candice Smith, cofounder of The KinkKit and resident sex expert for My First Blush. You’ll also want to set up a safe word ahead of time, so you both have an out if things go too far. Using stoplight codes can also be handy during rougher sex, says Smith. Saying “green” means you’re good, “yellow” is a warning to slow down, and “red” means stop.
2. Start off with some impact calibration.
Have your partner begin with some pressure and rate the feeling on a scale of 1 to 5 so you can let them know how much harder or softer to get, says Smith. After all, “harder” or “softer” can have a bajillion levels in between (not to mention different meanings for each person), so this is a good way of quantifying exactly where the sweet spot you’re looking for is. And don’t forget to do the same for them if you’re dominating them at some point!
3. Gear up on the extra lube
.
Just because it’s “rougher” sex doesn’t mean it has to be physically rougher like you’re grinding on sandpaper. Rough sex is always made better with extra lube, adds Smith. If you don’t know where to start on the lube front: This is a good beginner’s primer on exactly what kind of lube you can and can’t use with condoms and toys.